Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
no such thing as a dumb question
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?