@One2thTEXAN: When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
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@rcromwell4: Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can't argue with her logic regarding intruders.
@thedadvocate01: Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
@justsomegirl81: Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that? Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
@notacroc: WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies