Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.
When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
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After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*
Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-
LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free