@One2thTEXAN

When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.

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@TheRealD_Martin

Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.

@Mr_Kapowski

Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-

LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

@TwinzerDad

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

@WFLA

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free