8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’