When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
me as a parent
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.