Coworker: What’s your phone number?
*looks up from phone*
Me: I don’t have a phone.
*looks down at phone*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation
🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶
Me: cool, where?
🎶To the east side.🎵
Me: a house?
🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶
Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay