When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
😂💯
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?