@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

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@psybermonkey

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@MattMcC1

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

@Sassafrantz

teen son: ’cause the boyz n the hood are always hard /u come talkin that trash we’ll pull your card
mom: take out the trash & mow the yard.

@Thedudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@Illuminati_Stop

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

@ohpeetie

10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.