@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

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@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@jergarl

Wife: Were you drunk last night?

Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?

W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos

M: Ohhh

@rainsutton

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@vexroid

Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@TheAndrewNadeau

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

@TheAlexNevil

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING