When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.


I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi


I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.


Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.


16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*


Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.