When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
LOL!
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent