When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
(Musicians.)
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1