Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
new wife guy just dropped
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.