@YasmeenMS

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

@kidnapped_jesus

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

@STATEofCONFUZUN

You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.

@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

@mrs_campfire

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

@mommajessiec

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom