My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’
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If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Palm reader: in sharpie
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom