When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.


If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.


Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone


You’re the Thelma to my Louise. The Ben to my Jerry. The Kanye to my Kanye.


Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.


Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.


So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.


My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.


A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom