@iwearaonesie
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
@sucittaM
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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@iwearaonesie
@Ideal_Victoria
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
@LuvPug
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
@SamGirlSunday
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
@dubiousgenius
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
@Browtweaten
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
@IGotsSmarts
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
@TrainedHedonist
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@TweetPotato314
me: hey siri who shot jfk
siri: lee harvey oswald
me: really, i thought it was the cia
siri: *whispers* turn alexa off
@UncleDuke1969
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.