@shutupmikeginn Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
@sucittaM When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
You Might Also Like
@shutupmikeginn 
@ChappellTracker finally found a reasonable question
@Sean_Burgundy_ I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
@KentWGraham For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
@AllieA I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
@Parkerlawyer I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
@StansaidAirport If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
@AndLookPretty These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
@GrowlyGrego “I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
@OrdinaryAlso Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok