How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
me: hey siri who shot jfk
siri: lee harvey oswald
me: really, i thought it was the cia
siri: *whispers* turn alexa off
Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.