When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

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How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*


All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”


I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.


Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.


Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


me: hey siri who shot jfk

siri: lee harvey oswald

me: really, i thought it was the cia

siri: *whispers* turn alexa off



Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.