@sucittaM

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

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@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@KentWGraham

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@GrowlyGrego

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors