When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two