When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.