interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?