When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three