Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me, in DM rooms…
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.