@Mikecanrant: When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
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@UncleDuke1969: [murder scene] DETECTIVE: Let's run through the suspects. PARTNER: Okay. DETECTIVE: Who's the most likely? PARTNER: The husband, for sure. DETECTIVE: Who else? PARTNER: Her business partner. DETECTIVE: And, the least likely? PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*
@iAmDelFreaky: Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire. So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.