Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.