Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
those birds must be on payroll
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Home #decor warning.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.