Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.