A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?
me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at