If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”