@notviking

when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo

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@Freak_N_Geeky

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

@BetteMidler

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

@cottoncandaddy

date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

@vtg2

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

@mydmac

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

@SardonicTart

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@JPLFR80

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.