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@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.

@eluna333

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

@ValeeGrrl

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

@TheHyyyype

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@emilyarse

students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence

professor: tough shit

same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely

@SortaBad

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck