Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
– What’s your cell phone?
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
students: i broke 18 ribs can i be excused from this absence
professor: tough shit
same professor: well kids unfortunately i stepped in a puddle with socks on so class will be cancelled indefinitely
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck