My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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monday
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
#Caturday
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
DOOO EEEET
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff