Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Me- Want some?
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??