@pilau

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@MattMcGruff

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@carterhambley

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??