When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’d … I’d rather not.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
They did not miss in the small print
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?