When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.


FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right


ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim


A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.


My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?


Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.


Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.


Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.