@QuietPsycho

When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

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@KentWGraham

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@_SingleBabyMama

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

@HereComesCunty

My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?

@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

@AdamOfEarth

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.