When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.