When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
You Might Also Like
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.