When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
accurate
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!