“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Gods work.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response