1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*