@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

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@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@blahdevivre

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@English_Channel

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@DirtyTalkBooks

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

@TheMichaelRock

Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@david8hughes

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now