When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

You Might Also Like


It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.


ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad


My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions


Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions


My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.


[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.


If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.


Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now