Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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i’m still crying at this
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Remember folks 😂
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
FINE, I WON’T.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car