It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now