When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”


Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?


Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’


When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.


Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them


Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.


If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.