@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

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@murrman5

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@JaneBadall

When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@CerebralWreck

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.