When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024