When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”