When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”