When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Whisper out to librarians!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.