My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.