ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.