@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

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@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

@jackiembouvier

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope

@dave_cactus

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.