When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.