count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
necessity is the mother of invention
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg