When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The big book of baby names but for safe words
That’s fair
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then