My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
You Might Also Like
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Shopping with friend
“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”
Me: “What’s leftover pizza?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*