@samttaggart

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

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@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

@Playing_Dad

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

@dumbbeezie

Shopping with friend

“Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!”

Me: “What’s leftover pizza?

@abbycohenwl

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

@StayNobody

What can I get you to drink?
“Pepsi”
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?

@girl_a_whirl

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

@AshFrazier_

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*