When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here