When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Breaking news:
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I hope they boil the right one.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.