When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

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Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.


Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.


Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.


Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.


my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is


If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?


A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.