Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the “wrong person,” which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.