@isabelzawtun

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

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@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

@envydatropic

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

@Social_Mime

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

@robfee

Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

@JXESAID

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

@LaytesAgain

If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.