@isabelzawtun

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

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@EndhooS

Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

@P1ssed_K1d

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

@ObscureGent

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

@slyoung5

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

@IronballsMcGinT

A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the “wrong person,” which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.

@MissWont

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

@AGreaterMonster

The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.