when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!