When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I am patiently waiting for your email
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat