When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Chemical wingman
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??