When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
nyc:
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.