I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You Might Also Like
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When I grow up, I want to be 16
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.