@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

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@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

@gonzotrucker

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

@livingnBoston

NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.

@impaulmccoy

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@itzthelimit

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.