You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
You Might Also Like
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
tourist season
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
You’ll be OK
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.