The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Britain be like
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.