i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
favorite tropes as memes
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis