When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
You Might Also Like
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.