Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
August 8
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U